The They

The Germans have an expression that doesn’t translate into English well: das Man.  It’s sort of like “someone:” people out there that aren’t identified.  Das Man describes an undefined group of people who set the tone for what’s expected of everyone.  No one is das Man, but everyone can be part of it.  In English, let’s call it “the they.”  If we’re not careful, The They can take over and paralyze us all.

Here’s an unfortunately common example.  The church session is discussing ways to solve a problem or to move in a new direction.  But The They shows up and takes control of the conversation.  It happens when an elder says, “There are some people who won’t like that.,” or “I’ve had people tell me that we should do it this way.”  The They has arrived, and they are very powerful if you let them.

The power of The They comes from the fact that you don’t know who “they” are.  If you were to express your concerns about an issue to an elder, the two of you could discuss it.  The elder could ask you about your concern, and you could ask the elder about the session’s consideration.  You may end up disagreeing with each other, but you will have had a chance to understand each other.  And who knows?  Your concern may be based on a misunderstanding, or your thoughts could help the session look at the issue in new ways.  But if you tell the elder, “I’ve had people come up to me and say they don’t like it,” what is the elder supposed to do?  There’s no one to ask what “they” don’t like, to explain the session’s thoughts, and to find out what “they” would like to do instead.  The They is not a partner in a conversation about how to move forward; it is a tyrant telling everyone the way things should be.

It’s a priority for our congregation to get along, not upset one another, and to care about each other.  It’s one of the things that makes our church special.  But it becomes a problem when our desire to keep everyone happy means we avoid doing anything that “someone” might not like.  When this happens, The They has veto power over everything that the church does.  It’s likely that someone will disagree with whatever we do, but that’s not a reason to do nothing.  When the overwhelming majority want to go in a particular direction, it’s unfair to let a few people prevent it from happening.

The They gets its power from two factors.  First, there’s fear.  If there’s something you don’t like, you’re afraid to speak up directly.  You express your concerns instead to someone that you trust.  Your friend now can tell others that “someone” doesn’t like what’s happening.  Or, perhaps you do speak up for yourself, but you are afraid to stand up for your opinion.  Instead of saying “I don’t like it,” you may say, “I know that there are people who don’t like it.”  When we have the courage to express our opinions directly to those who can do something about it, The They loses its power.  Second, there’s a lack of respect.  If the pastor, session, and other church leaders don’t have a good track record of listening carefully to people’s concerns and taking their ideas seriously, no one will want to voice them.  Instead, they’ll gripe to their friends and hope that “someone” does something about it.  Respectful consideration of expressed opinions is part of being a healthy church.

Let’s take the power away from The They, and claim it for ourselves.  When we all have the courage to express ourselves directly, and when we respect each other enough to listen closely and take it hear, we can give das Man the boot.